Conan: Battle of the Black Stone | 5 Reasons This Event is Just a Very Loud Grudge Match
The Cimmerian’s Yoga Retreat
There is a point in every barbarian’s life where he realizes that a simple waist-swivel and a furry diaper just won’t cut it anymore. Enter the Conan: Battle of the Black Stone figure—a 7-inch testament to the fact that even a brooding loner from Cimmeria occasionally needs the range of motion of a professional yoga instructor. Based on the gritty, ink-drenched art of Rob de la Torre, this isn’t just a toy; it’s a high-engineering flex that proves Conan can finally scratch his own back.
With butterfly shoulders designed for “true two-handed sword gripping” and bendable toes for those “I’m about to leap off a temple” poses, this figure is a far cry from the stiff-legged titans of the 80s. He comes with enough alternate hands, feet, and axes to stock a small armory, ensuring that if Conan fails to defeat the Black Stone, it certainly won’t be because he lacked the proper footwear.
1. The “Multiverse of Muscle”: A Localized Pectoral Gravity Well
When most franchises do a “multiverse” event, they bring together different versions of a character to explore the deep philosophical nuances of their soul. In the Battle of the Black Stone, we just get three distinct stages of a man who clearly has a lifelong restraining order against the entire textile industry.
The Three Ages of Absence: We have Young Conan (all angst and zero body fat), Classic Conan (the peak “I can bench-press a horse” years), and King Conan (who has a crown but still refuses to buy a tunic). It’s a generational case study in stubbornness. You’d think at least one version of him—perhaps the older, wiser King—would have discovered the tactical benefits of a light cotton blend or a breathable linen. But no.
The “Baby Oil” Event Horizon: When you put these three in a single room, the sheer volume of bare, glistening skin creates a localized gravity well. Light cannot escape the shine of their combined deltoids. It’s a “Multiverse of Madness” where the only thing truly mad is the laundry bill—or lack thereof.
The Logistics of Chafing: Imagine the tactical meeting. Three Conans standing around a map, all glistening with the intensity of a thousand suns, discussing how to stop an Eldritch god. The friction alone from three sets of bare lats bumping into each other in a cramped corridor should be enough to start a brush fire.
Ultimately, the “Multiverse of Muscle” proves that across every timeline, every dimension, and every possible reality, Conan’s greatest enemy isn’t Thulsa Doom or a Black Stone—it’s a buttons-and-zipper factory.
2. Black Stone Existentialism: The Multiverse’s Most Expensive Paperweight
In the Hyborian Age, if something is glowing, dark, and causing people to scream in ancient dialects, we immediately label it a “Harbinger of Doom.” But from a strictly geological perspective, the Black Stone might just be a victim of bad PR and even worse lighting.
The “PS5 on Black Friday” Energy: Everyone in this comic is fighting over this rock with the desperate, vein-popping intensity of a suburban dad trying to secure the last gaming console at a midnight sale. You have sorcerers, warriors, and three distinct flavors of Conan all throwing hands over a piece of debris that—let’s be honest—looks like it was scavenged from the “Deep Discount” bin of a haunted IKEA.
The Misunderstood Eldritch Nap: We’re told there’s an “Eldritch Horror” inside. But have we considered the horror’s feelings? Imagine being an ancient, cosmic entity, finally achieving a perfect state of REM sleep in a nice, quiet vacuum, only to be woken up by the sound of three shirtless Cimmerians arguing about who gets to swing the biggest axe. If the Black Stone eventually explodes and destroys a city, it’s probably not “pure evil”—it’s just sleep-deprived and cranky.
A Lighting Department Crisis: For three issues, this stone has been shrouded in “mysterious shadows,” which is comic-book shorthand for “the colorist didn’t want to commit to a texture.” Is it smooth? Is it jagged? Does it have a ‘Made in Stygia’ sticker on the bottom? We don’t know, because the “Existential Dread” it radiates is apparently so thick it absorbs all nearby photons.
Ultimately, Black Stone Existentialism asks the hard question: Are we afraid of the cosmic void, or are we just annoyed that a giant rock is taking up prime real estate in the middle of a perfectly good battlefield?
3. The “Hyborian HR” Crisis: A Workplace Safety Nightmare
Imagine, for a moment, being the poor administrative assistant tasked with managing the Battle of the Black Stone as a corporate project. You have three versions of the same man, all of whom have “Rugged Loner” listed as their primary soft skill, and none of whom understand the concept of a shared Google Calendar.
The Alpha Breakroom: In any other multiverse, the different versions of a hero might sit down and discuss their feelings over a pot of coffee. Not here. In the Hyborian breakroom, Conan (Young), Conan (Classic), and King Conan are all staring at the same microwave with the intensity of a blood-feud. Nobody labels their kale-and-mammoth smoothie, and everyone thinks they’re the one entitled to the “Manager of the Month” parking spot.
The Collaborative Conflict: “Synergy” is not a word that exists in Cimmerian. When you try to get three Conans to brainstorm a tactical approach to an Eldritch god, the meeting notes just consist of the word “Slay” written in three different styles of bloodstain. It’s a leadership crisis where everyone is the CEO, and the only “onboarding” process involves a series of increasingly violent headbutts to determine who gets to hold the remote.
OSHA’s Worst Case Scenario: From a workplace safety perspective, this event is a catastrophe. There are broadswords leaning against the water cooler, battle axes left in the hallways as tripping hazards, and a complete lack of “Wet Floor” signs despite the literal rivers of blood. You can’t exactly hand out a safety manual to a guy who considers “wearing a shirt” a violation of his personal liberties.
Ultimately, the Hyborian HR Crisis proves that while three Conans might be great for stopping a cosmic apocalypse, they are statistically certain to result in a 100% turnover rate for any support staff involved.
4. Blood, Sand, and Budgeting: The Real Cost of Cosmic War
Every time an “Epic Event” kicks off in the Hyborian Age, we’re treated to sweeping vistas of ancient cities being ground into decorative gravel. It looks great on a splash page, but has anyone actually looked at the line items for the Battle of the Black Stone?
The Masonry Repair Crisis: Why does every climactic showdown require the total structural demolition of a perfectly good temple? You have three Conans swinging at an Eldritch rock, and suddenly the local infrastructure has the consistency of a bowl of croutons. The property insurance premiums in these kingdoms must be astronomical. You don’t just “file a claim” for “Total Cimmerian-Related Deconstruction”; you just move to a different province and hope the next barbarian prefers a field.
Logistics of the Horde: Feeding one Conan is a full-time agricultural undertaking involving several large boars and a keg of ale. Feeding three Conans while they wait for a Black Stone to do something interesting is a logistical nightmare that would bankrupt a small nation-state. We’re talking about a grocery bill that consists entirely of “Meat” and “More Meat,” with zero room in the budget for napkins or side salads.
The “Collateral Damage” Fund: In a modern comic event, heroes try to “save the civilians.” In a Conan event, the civilians are basically just background texture that occasionally gets stepped on during a particularly intense lunge. The “Battle of the Black Stone” budget doesn’t include a victim’s compensation fund; it just assumes that if you were standing near a glowing evil rock while three shirtless men were screaming, you knew the risks.
Ultimately, Blood, Sand, and Budgeting proves that the greatest threat to civilization isn’t the Black Stone—it’s the fact that no one in the Hyborian Age has discovered a “Security Deposit.”
5. The “Grimace-Off”: A Study in Impending Doom
In the world of 7-inch plastic, a facial sculpt is more than just a likeness; it is a permanent commitment to a single emotion. For the Battle of the Black Stone, that emotion is “extreme gastrointestinal distress caused by cosmic proximity.”
The Youthful “First-Time” Frown: Young Conan has the expression of a man who just realized he forgot his sword at home, but is too proud to turn the horse around. It’s a fresh, energetic scowl. He’s angry at the rock, he’s angry at the sorcerers, and he’s especially angry that his traps aren’t as big as his future selves’.
The “Mid-Life” Menace: This is the peak-performance grimace. It’s a jawline so set it could be used to crack walnuts. This Conan doesn’t just look at the Black Stone; he looks through it, judging its structural integrity and finding it wanting. It’s a “Fixed-Rate” frown—sturdy, reliable, and completely devoid of joy.
The Kingly “I’m Too Old For This” Scowl: King Conan’s face is a topographical map of every mistake he’s made in the last forty years. His grimace is seasoned. It’s a “High-Interest” frown that suggests he’d rather be sitting on his throne with a flagon of wine than dealing with yet another geological apocalypse. He isn’t just fighting the Black Stone; he’s auditing it.
Ultimately, the Grimace-Off proves that while Conan’s muscles may fluctuate and his weapons may change, his ability to look like he’s passing a kidney stone in the middle of a hurricane remains his most consistent superpower.
Conclusion: Who Wins the Combat-Grade Comb-Over?
Ultimately, choosing to add the Battle of the Black Stone Conan to your shelf is an admission that you’ve outgrown the “five points of articulation” lifestyle. He is a pure hit of modern engineering wrapped in a 1930s pulp aesthetic. While the vintage 5.5-inch figures of our youth were defined by their inability to sit in a chair, this 7-inch masterpiece is defined by its ability to look cool while doing literally anything—including auditing a cosmic rock.
He is the bridge between the ink-stained pages of Titan Comics and the high-end collector shelves of today. He’s rugged, he’s articulated, and he’s prepared for a multi-era grudge match that would leave any other hero reaching for a bottle of ibuprofen and a very large shirt. If you want a barbarian who looks like he actually has access to a protein shake and a world-class physical therapist, this is your Cimmerian.





