Cold Slither G.I. Joe Classified Review: Dreadnok Rock & Roll

The G.I. Joe Classified Series has a reputation for blending gritty realism with the over-the-top camp of the 1980s cartoon. Perhaps no release captures this intersection better than the Cold Slither three-pack. While internet rumors and early “leaks” suggested a massive set including a tour bus and pyrotechnics, the actual retail release is a focused, high-quality character set that pays homage to one of the most infamous episodes in G.I. Joe history.

The Lore: Rock and Roll Mind Control

The “Cold Slither” episode (Season 1, Episode 51) first aired in 1985 and has since become the gold standard for G.I. Joe “camp.” It’s a bizarre, high-energy story that perfectly encapsulates the shift from military drama to the colorful, eccentric sci-fi that defined the Sunbow era.

The Plot: Cobra’s Financial Crisis

The episode begins with an unusual premise: Cobra is broke. After countless failed attempts at world domination and the destruction of expensive weather machines and laser fortresses, Cobra Commander is facing a massive budget deficit. Even the Baroness is frustrated by the lack of resources.

Desperate for cash, Cobra Commander tasks Zartan and his Dreadnoks with a new, low-budget mission: use subliminal messaging to brainwash the public and extort money from the masses.

The Transformation

Zartan and the Dreadnoks (Ripper, Torch, and Buzzer) ditch their swamp-skiffs and motorcycles. They adopt a heavy metal/glam-rock aesthetic and form the band Cold Slither. Using a high-tech “subliminal ultrasonic transmitter” hidden within their stage amplifiers, they produce music that contains hypnotic commands.

The catchy (and legitimately well-produced) title track, “Cold Slither,” becomes an overnight sensation. The lyrics—“We’re Cold Slither, you’ll join us soon!”—aren’t just a chorus; they are a literal directive to the listeners.

The Concert Chaos

The band embarks on a massive tour, selling out stadiums. As the music plays, the youth of America fall under a trance. The effect is twofold:

Direct Revenue: Cobra makes a fortune on ticket sales and merchandise.
Mind Control: The brainwashed fans become a mindless army ready to follow Cobra’s orders.

The Joe Team’s Response

The G.I. Joe team realizes something is wrong when they notice the erratic, zombie-like behavior of the concert-goers. To investigate, they deploy a team to infiltrate the show.

Footloose, the infantryman with a background in “New Age” philosophy, is one of the primary observers. His calm nature allows him to recognize the mental disruption happening in the crowd.
Shipwreck and Snake Eyes also play key roles in the infiltration. Shipwreck, in particular, finds the music as obnoxious as the plot itself.

The Joes discover that the music is masking a high-frequency signal. To break the spell, they have to physically destroy the transmission equipment on stage.

The Climax: A Battle of the Bands

The Joes eventually storm the stage. In typical 80s fashion, the “battle” isn’t just a firefight; it’s a spectacle. The Dreadnoks defend their equipment with a mix of instruments and weaponry.

Ultimately, the Joes succeed in destroying the primary amplifier. Once the subliminal signal stops, the crowd wakes up from the trance, and the “fans” quickly turn on the band. The Dreadnoks and Cobra are forced to flee into the night, once again leaving Cobra Commander with an empty treasury and a bruised ego.

Why the Episode is Iconic

The Song: “Cold Slither” is an unironically catchy piece of 80s hard rock. It was voiced by the actual voice actors (including Maurice LaMarche as Destro and Zack Hoffman as Zartan).
Character Development: It showcased the Dreadnoks not just as thugs, but as versatile (if reluctant) performers.
The Satire: The episode was a subtle jab at the “satanic panic” of the 1980s, where rock music was frequently accused of containing hidden subliminal messages.

Key Trivia for the Collector

The Name: “Cold Slither” is a play on words, as the band name sounds like a traditional rock band while being a literal description of a snake (Cobra).
The Missing Link: Fans often wonder why Monkeywrench is shown on some of the artwork for the modern figure sets—in the actual cartoon, he hadn’t debuted yet, making the core band a quartet of Zartan, Ripper, Buzzer, and Torch.

Here are the lyrics to the infamous Cobra earworm. In the episode, these lyrics weren’t just for show—they were the delivery system for Zartan’s subliminal mind-control signal.

“Cold Slither” – The Official Lyrics

(Verse 1) With a vertical climb and a horizontal skin You better look out ’cause we’re gonna win! We’re the guys with the rock that’ll make you roll We’re gonna take… total control!
(Chorus) Cold Slither! We’re the guys who’ll make you shiver! Cold Slither! We’re the ones who will deliver! We’re Cold Slither… And you’ll join us soon!
(Verse 2) You’re under our spell, you’re under our power You’re gonna be ours… by the hour! There’s no use hiding, there’s no use to run Cobra’s arrived… and we’ve already won!
(Chorus) Cold Slither! We’re the guys who’ll make you shiver! Cold Slither! We’re the ones who will deliver!

Why the Lyrics Matter for the Classified Set

Including these lyrics in your review adds a great layer of authenticity, especially when discussing the Buzzer and Zartan figures. In the episode, Zartan sings with a distinctive, rasping snarl that became legendary among fans.

Fun Facts for your Article:

The Voice Talents: The song was actually performed by the show’s voice cast. Zack Hoffman (Zartan) provided the lead vocals, while the background “Cobra!” chants were voiced by the same actors who played the Dreadnoks.
The “Brainwash” Gimmick: In the cartoon, the lyrics were secondary to the ultrasonic frequency hidden in the bass line. That’s why the Classified Ripper and Zartan figures come with such detailed bass and guitar accessories—they were the “weapons” of the episode.
Cultural Satire: The song is a pitch-perfect parody of 1980s hair metal, blending the rebellion of the Dreadnoks with the corporate evil of Cobra.

The G.I. Joe Classified 4-Pack: Breakdown

The Classified Series #163 release is a masterclass in personality and nostalgia. This set was originally released as a 2025 San Diego Comic-Con (SDCC) exclusive before moving to Hasbro Pulse. It includes the four founding members of the band, each featuring “glam-rock” stage attire and a wiry, stage-ready physique.

The Figures

The set includes all four members as they appeared in the “Band of Vipers” tour:

Zartan (Lead Singer/Bass): The brooding frontman comes with a deco inspired by his stage appearance. He features a chameleon-like expression and a “Lizard King” vibe, complete with his signature hood and makeup.
Ripper (Guitar/Keyboards): Described as the ” Tasmanian comedian” of the group, Ripper trades his jackhammer for a guitar. His design features blue scarf accents and rock-star boots.
Buzzer (Drums): A standout in this set, Buzzer acts as the band’s drummer. He features removable sunglasses, a neckerchief, and an over-the-top stage presence.
Torch (Guitar/Keyboards): The Australian “dreamboat” and versatile musician of the group. His stage gear features flame motifs and steamy glasses, capturing his fiery passion for “deconstructionist art.”

The Accessories: 29 Pieces of Stage Gear

One of the most impressive aspects of the set is the sheer volume of musical equipment. Unlike standard releases that focus on weaponry, this set includes:

Instruments: A highly detailed guitar, bass, and keytar.
The Drum Kit: A full 6-inch scale drum set including a bass drum with kick pedal, floor tom, hi-tom, mid-tom, snare drum, hi-hat with pedal, cymbals with stands, a stool, and two drumsticks.
Performance Gear: 5 instrument straps for natural posing and microphones with stands.

Welcome to the Viper Pit

Buckle up, collectors, because the G.I. Joe Classified Series #163, Dreadnoks Cold Slither: Band of Vipers Tour Commemorative Action Figure Set, is about to take you on a wild ride through the muck of nostalgia and plastic pandemonium. This isn’t just another toy set; it’s a love letter to the chaotic, grease-stained soul of the Dreadnoks—those gloriously unhinged biker thugs from the Joe universe. With four figures (Zartan, Ripper, Torch, Buzzer) and a tour bus straight out of a post-apocalyptic rock opera, this set is a 6-inch scale riot. This review will dissect every articulated joint, weathered paint app, and viper-coiled detail with the enthusiasm of a roadie at a heavy metal funeral. Let’s rev up and dive in.

Packaging: The Springfield Theater

The presentation is a highlight for “Mint-on-Card” collectors. The box is a “commemorative tour” slipcase that slides off to reveal a diorama recreation of the Springfield Theater exterior. The weathered brick façade is covered in Easter eggs, including posters for past and future performers in the Joe universe. When unfolded, the interior serves as a stage backdrop for the band, making the box itself a functional display piece.

Yes, that’s Monkeywrench scalping tickets in the artwork.

Toy Photography and Display

For photographers, this set is a dream. The figures feature 20+ points of articulation, including butterfly joints in the shoulders and double-jointed knees, which are essential for capturing Zartan mid-belt or Ripper shredding a solo.

Pro-Tip: Use purple and blue LED “pucks” to simulate the Springfield Theater stage lights. Because the costumes feature shiny spandex and metallic finishes, they react dynamically to high-contrast lighting.
Shelf Synergy: This set pairs perfectly with other “civilian” or undercover Joe figures like Footloose or Shipwreck, who were sent to monitor the crowds during the original operation.

Feature	Specification
Figure Count	4 (Zartan, Ripper, Buzzer, Torch)
Total Accessories	29 Pieces
Scale	6-Inch / 1:12
Packaging	Springfield Theater Stage Diorama
MSRP	~$124.99 (Retail)

The Lineup: Rock Stars of the Florida Everglades

In the G.I. Joe Classified Series #163 boxed set, Hasbro has traded the Dreadnoks’ traditional biker aesthetic for the neon-and-chrome stage outfits seen in the 1985 “Cold Slither” episode. These aren’t just repaints; they are specific character studies in 1/12 scale performance art.

Zartan: The Frontman

Leading the pack is Zartan, the master of disguise turned lead singer. This figure captures the “Lizard King” vibe with a deco that leans into his theatrical nature.

The Sculpt: His face features a smirk that captures his manipulative charm. His stage outfit includes a vest with high-contrast detailing and pants designed to look like stage-worn leather.
Articulation: Like all Classified figures, he features a ball-jointed neck and torso, along with butterfly shoulders that allow him to grip his mic stand or hold his bass guitar in a natural, mid-performance pose.
The Gear: Forget the nunchucks—this version comes with his signature Cold Slither bass, a microphone with a removable stand, and a specialized strap.

Ripper: The Shredding Specialist

Ripper is usually known for tearing through metal, but here he’s tearing through power chords.

The Sculpt: He retains his iconic mohawk and mirrored shades, but his torso is adorned with the blue-and-silver stage gear unique to the “Band of Vipers” tour.
Articulation: His double-jointed elbows and swivel wrists are essential for posing him with his fingers accurately placed on the fretboard of his electric guitar.
The Gear: He comes equipped with a highly detailed guitar and an instrument strap. There are no wrenches or heavy machinery here—only the tools of a rock legend.

Torch: The Rhythm Renegade

Torch might be a pyromaniac, but for this set, his “fire” is strictly musical.

The Sculpt: His head sculpt captures his wild-eyed enthusiasm, now framed by the vibrant colors of his concert attire. The paint apps on his boots and vest feature a metallic sheen that pops under LED shelf lighting.
Articulation: Hinged ankles and a swivel waist allow for wide, “rock god” power stances.
The Gear: While the original article mentioned a flamethrower, this set factually includes his keytar/synthesizer. It is a unique accessory in the Classified line, perfectly replicating the synth-heavy sound of the 1985 episode.

Buzzer: The Percussive Powerhouse

Often omitted in smaller sets, Buzzer is a core component of this four-pack, serving as the band’s drummer.

The Sculpt: Buzzer’s look is pure 80s punk rock. His sculpt includes his trademark ponytail and glasses, but his expression is one of manic musical energy.
Articulation: His range of motion is specifically suited for his role behind the kit. The ab-crunch and arm articulation allow him to reach every part of his drum set.
The Gear: Buzzer features the most impressive accessory loadout in the set: a full drum kit. This includes a bass drum, snare, toms, cymbals with individual stands, a drum throne (stool), and a pair of drumsticks.

Play Value and Shelf Synergy

This set is built for diorama enthusiasts. The “Play Value” doesn’t come from rolling a bus across the floor, but from the Springfield Theater diorama included in the packaging.

The Stage Setup: By unfolding the box, you create a dedicated performance space. The 29 included accessories—from the mic stands to the drum kit—allow you to recreate the exact moment Cobra attempted to brainwash the youth of America.
Collector Integration: This set pairs perfectly with the Classified Series Footloose or Shipwreck, as they were the Joes tasked with infiltrating the concert grounds.

Pricing and Quality

At a retail price of approximately $124.99, this is a premium “Convention-style” set. It is important to note:

No Vehicle: There is no “Cold Slither Bus” included in this release. The box itself serves as the backdrop/environment.
Scale: These are 6-inch scale figures. They are compatible with the entire Classified Series but will tower over vintage 3.75-inch collections.
Accessories: All 29 accessories are musical or stage-related. You won’t find the Dreadnoks’ standard chainsaws or rifles in this specific “Band of Vipers Tour” box.

Collector’s Note: Footloose’s calm, “zen-like” demeanor made him the perfect choice to observe the chaos of a brainwashed crowd. If you want to see how this pacifist soldier handles the front lines when he isn’t fighting off Dreadnok rock-and-roll, check out our G.I. Joe Classified Footloose Figure Review and Lore Guide.

Why It Slaps: The Verdict

Hasbro has created a “toy theater” experience. These figures are character studies—Zartan’s ego, Ripper’s aggression, Torch’s intensity, and Buzzer’s chaos—all channeled through a musical lens. The paint is museum-quality, capturing the specific textures of 80s stage costumes. While it’s a significant investment, for the fan of the Sunbow cartoon, it is the definitive way to own a piece of G.I. Joe history.

A Platinum Hit for the Viper Pit

The G.I. Joe Classified Series #163 Cold Slither set is more than just a collection of plastic; it’s a high-fidelity tribute to a moment when G.I. Joe dared to be weird. By accurately recreating the “Band of Vipers” with their 29 accessories—ranging from Zartan’s mic to Buzzer’s complete drum kit—Hasbro has captured the spirit of that 1985 mind-control plot. When you pose these figures in the included Springfield Theater diorama, you can almost hear the snarling chorus of “We’re the guys who’ll make you shiver!” echoing through your display shelf.

While the set leaves the fictional “tour bus” behind, it delivers a “Total Control” experience for the collector. Whether you’re a fan of the Dreadnoks’ chaotic energy or a seeker of 80s nostalgia, this set proves that while Cobra’s schemes might fail, their style is eternal. Cold Slither has officially arrived, and as the song says—you’ll join them soon.

Final Score: 9.5/10 – A Masterpiece of Rock & Roll Rebellion.